How do you start to write a post when it seems like years have passed since the last one? When life has changed so much in so little time and it feels almost impossible to catch your bearings? In my last post the most pressing thing on my plate was my excitement over being pregnant with baby #2 and looking forward to the new life that I would be bringing into this world. And while I am even more exstatic over this these days, especially since we found out yesterday afternoon that we will be having a little boy, my life is also now tinged with a bittersweetness that it didn't used to have.
About a month ago, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung Cancer. The doctors have given her months to live, though not a specific number. I have been handling it fairly well; have been able to cry with my husband and be strong for my sisters and my mom. But now that a month has already past, I can't help wondering if the "months" that they give her is 2, 3, 4? Do I have just another short month with my mom to try to say all that I've wanted to tell her, and do all that I've wanted to do with her? Am I going to know when the end is near, or is she going to pass in her sleep without me having the chance to truly tell her goodbye? How am I going to be able to bear it when she is gone? Who will I call when I am trying to sing my kids a song that my mom used to sing me, but I can't remember the words? Or when I am trying to make one of my favorite meals from growing up, and I can't get it exactly right? Or the times when I just want to hear her voice and tell her that I love her, despite all the differences that we have had in the past?
I don't want to think about the fact that very soon, possibly before my baby is born, I will have to deal with the death of my mom. I know that I need to take advantage of every moment that God has given us together. I am so thankful that she moved back to Albuquerque and that I can share my time and my love with her as much as possible. And more than anything, I pray that when it is her time to go, I won't have any regrets about the things I haven't said or the moments that we haven't spent together.