I try really really hard to be positive and not be Debbie Downer, but sometimes things suck and you just gotta vent! Everything is going wrong today.
I was making a pot roast in the crockpot for dinner which had to be cooked on low for 8 hours, but I forgot until 12:30, so I decided to put it on high for 4 hours (makes sense right?) Wrong. It cooked in less than 2 hours, which I didn't realize so by the time I checked on it, it was allready the consistency of leather. Yum.
I am trying to cry it out with Rafael. I haven't done nightime yet, but I've been doing naps. So far we've had tons of crying, barely any sleep, and a nervous frazzled mom who is going through a million breastpads a day because of the havoc the crying is wreaking on my let down reflex. Top it off with the fact that I am doing the worst possible thing by picking him up after 30 minutes because I just can't handle it anymore!
Michaela has a really nasty diaper rash. It's so nasty that I'm wondering if it's some sort of allergic reaction. The only difference in her diet has been pineapple. The rash looks as if someone poured acid on her, which is exactly how my friend Morgan described the rash her daughter got when they found out she was allergic to strawberries and other red foods.
My house will never be clean. Ever. Trust me, this is not hyperbole. Every time I feel like I'm catching up, something happens. I nurse Rafael and somehow Michaela manages to grab everything in her reach and throw it all around the floor. I was trying to reorganize Rafaels clothes because he is getting into a new size (0-3 month, yeah!), but of course I didn't have time to finish, so all my piles have now become strewn all around his room and I can barely even walk in there. This happens every time I try to clean something. I can't ask Philip for help because he works such long days and is also working on his PhD. By the time he gets home, he is exhausted, and usually goes straight to our room to work. I feel like a single mom.
Michaela has not had a tantrum today (yay!), but that is becoming really rare these days. The littlest thing will set her off and she will melt into a pool of screaming, kicking incoherent monster. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells to keep her happy.
I have been spending my last few nursing sessions searching the internet for a 2 year old toddler preschool class so that I can just have a few hours a week to get things done. Guess what? They DO exist! Guess what else? They are more expensive than we would ever be able to afford on a teachers salary.
I'm starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for being a stay at home mom. I've always been good at my jobs, always been a workplace winner, but I am not doing a good job with this one. I keep wanting to break down in tears. I love my babies, and I love being able to spend time with them and watch them grow up. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in a few years with perfect well behaved children who can do things for themselves. That's understandable right?