Wednesday, March 10, 2010

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try really really hard to be positive and not be Debbie Downer, but sometimes things suck and you just gotta vent! Everything is going wrong today.

I was making a pot roast in the crockpot for dinner which had to be cooked on low for 8 hours, but I forgot until 12:30, so I decided to put it on high for 4 hours (makes sense right?) Wrong. It cooked in less than 2 hours, which I didn't realize so by the time I checked on it, it was allready the consistency of leather. Yum.

I am trying to cry it out with Rafael. I haven't done nightime yet, but I've been doing naps. So far we've had tons of crying, barely any sleep, and a nervous frazzled mom who is going through a million breastpads a day because of the havoc the crying is wreaking on my let down reflex. Top it off with the fact that I am doing the worst possible thing by picking him up after 30 minutes because I just can't handle it anymore!

Michaela has a really nasty diaper rash. It's so nasty that I'm wondering if it's some sort of allergic reaction. The only difference in her diet has been pineapple. The rash looks as if someone poured acid on her, which is exactly how my friend Morgan described the rash her daughter got when they found out she was allergic to strawberries and other red foods.

My house will never be clean. Ever. Trust me, this is not hyperbole. Every time I feel like I'm catching up, something happens. I nurse Rafael and somehow Michaela manages to grab everything in her reach and throw it all around the floor. I was trying to reorganize Rafaels clothes because he is getting into a new size (0-3 month, yeah!), but of course I didn't have time to finish, so all my piles have now become strewn all around his room and I can barely even walk in there. This happens every time I try to clean something. I can't ask Philip for help because he works such long days and is also working on his PhD. By the time he gets home, he is exhausted, and usually goes straight to our room to work. I feel like a single mom.

Michaela has not had a tantrum today (yay!), but that is becoming really rare these days. The littlest thing will set her off and she will melt into a pool of screaming, kicking incoherent monster. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells to keep her happy.

I have been spending my last few nursing sessions searching the internet for a 2 year old toddler preschool class so that I can just have a few hours a week to get things done. Guess what? They DO exist! Guess what else? They are more expensive than we would ever be able to afford on a teachers salary.

I'm starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for being a stay at home mom. I've always been good at my jobs, always been a workplace winner, but I am not doing a good job with this one. I keep wanting to break down in tears. I love my babies, and I love being able to spend time with them and watch them grow up. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in a few years with perfect well behaved children who can do things for themselves. That's understandable right?

3 comments:

Dee said...

Wow. Are you sure I didn't write this entry? From the never ending cleaning, feeling like a single mom, and searching for a break to walking on eggshells and wishing I could wake up in a few years.... this is me.

I try to keep telling myself that the idyllic family and particularly mother that is thrown into my face on tv, movies, ads, etc is not the norm. I am not June Cleaver, Donna Reed, etc. No one is. It's impossible, abnormal. I remind myself that it really could be much worse. I really could be a single mom. But that just makes me feel guilty that I can't handle it. I have always felt that I could make the best of any situation. Make things work. I am having second thoughts.

I was trying to leave a comment to try and make you feel like you weren't alone... somehow make you feel better but after reading this I don't think I succeeded.

Drea said...

Thanks Dee, it really does help to know I'm not the only one!

Kristin J said...

Oh Andrea!! I can't tell you how many times I have felt this way. I swear on some days I could have written this post, especially when Nick was younger. Hang in there. And you should consider having Michaela looked at by a Dr because my nieces would get a rash like that when they had an external yeast infection.

You are doing a great job, but it is a really tough job, way tougher than a normal "workplace". You are allowed to have bad days and not feel on top of your game just like in any other workplace. Call if you need a break! I can help.